Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Ezekiel Robert 2008

Ezekiel Robert Jan. 11th, 2008
This is a hard one to write... because it is so personal... 
After Isaiah was born we moved back to M.I. and began ministry with our church.  Mike was part time youth pastor and music minister and worked another part-time job.  We bought a home with growing our family and our ministry in mind.  We began to come across the idea of completely trusting God with our family planning.... whether by books, friends or meeting random people in grocery stores! And the Lord began to convict us.  Isaiah was a little over a year when we got to the point of being ready to live what we were convicted by.  We expected to get pregnant right away but  we waited 7 months before we saw the pink line this time!  I really believe now that it was the Lord showing us that He IS in control and we are not.  We were so excited we couldn't wait very long to tell everyone.  Right around the 6th week mark I was struck with sickness again.  It was Josiah's 4th birthday and I was struck with such guilt.  Mike had alot of people come in and help us, bringing food, watching the boys and even taking care of me... it was a very humbling time for me. So many people helped! And a girl from our youth group, Olivia, was there for pretty much 3 months straight it seemed :)  I couldn't have done it without everyone!  We decided that I could not go without the medicine! and it was still so expensive!  People gave us money left and right, through the church or cash handed to us! It was amazing how the Lord provided!  Mike would go straight to the pharmacy and get another 10 day script filled.  We were again so humbled by the help and provision.
I've left this part out of the others because this is the pregnancy that it was dealt with....
so many times throughout each pregnancy close people would question me and the sin(anorexia, bulimia, impurity, etc.) in my life that may be causing the sickness.  In Josiah's pregnancy I searched my heart, as well as a sick person could, and couldn't find anything that I believed that was hindering healing.  So after a while, all the suggestions from people that I know loved me dearly were making me angry and hurt... I grew bitter.   Well.... a church acquaintance(and I only say that because I didn't know her well at the time) came to my house to talk to me.  I thought it was just to pray for me, which I thought "okay, but she has no idea how many times I have been prayed for/over...hope she isn't expecting anything crazy, cause it ain't gonna happen".  I was around 8 weeks, I think.  Well, they came in and she began talking to me about sin and I got upset.  I told her how I had searched 3 pregnancies ago and been prayed for every sunday at church my entire 3rd pregnancy so I didn't believe it was sin!  She understood my feelings about it but asked me to consider and just pray about the idea of generational sin and curses.... as soon as she said generational I knew! I surely never remembered anyone suggesting that before and now wondered why!  And also became angry that I would have to suffer for something that I had never done! On generational curses real quick, they can go back 10 generations and also may not affect each person in an obvious way.   My friend talked more about how to be freed and move into healing. That night and for weeks I would cry out to the Lord in my shower(where I could be alone and as upset as I needed to be) asking forgiveness for my anger, hurt, this sin I was linked too, break the links in the spirit, renounce all the sin associated to it.... worry, fear, pride!  I found that everything in my thought process in the aspect of pregnancy and children was linked to this! Life changing!  That first week, nothing miraculous happened in my sickness, but I began noticing little changes here and there and around 12 weeks things were different!  I guessed it was the sickness that average morning sickness caused.  I began doing more on my own and not needing help as much.  I only lost 15 lbs and only 2-3 ER visits!   I began to live again!  It was full of spiritual battles now though.... I had never commanded my food to stay down "in the name of Jesus" before and it stay down!  crazy battle...
I remember being able to live almost normally for rest of the pregnancy, start schooling again and cooking almost normally.  There were times of feeling bad, but I learned how to eat so that my blood sugar would not drop(which made me sick) and how to raise it quickly when it did drop.  The difference was amazing to us. 
We found out the gender of the baby around 18 or 19 weeks and when we found out it was another boy, honestly I was sad... I struggled with it in my alone time each night and it really came down to trust (doesn't it always?).  Trust that God knows best... that He builds the family.  After that week and giving it to the Lord, I was so blessed at the thought of 3!! Children... 3 sons! :)  As we began thinking of names. The name Ezekiel came to me over and over.  It means "Strength of God" or "God Strengthens".  Where would I have been in all this without the strength of God?  And there was the Valley of Dry Bones... where there is death and captivity, but GOD gave life!  Ezekiel 37.14 says, "I will put my Spirit in you and you will live,.... Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD."  I know that this prophecy is dealing with the Israelite people, but the Lord brought me back to it over and over in regards to my sickness and it's cause.  Naming babies is always difficult to do, but after much prayer we knew this was Ezekiel's name. 
The planned date came and my parents came the night before and helped with the last minute things.  We went to bed around 1am and Josiah was in our room throwing up soon after... Mike went to Josiah's bed to get some sleep and Josiah slept in bed with me so I could take care of him.  At 4am I got up and began to get ready and get Mike up.  My mom filled the space in my bed to care for Josiah.  At 5am we got to the cute little hospital on the river with a lovely view.  And waited... always the worst part just waiting and knowing what was about to happen.  The anesthesiologist came in, he looked as if he was around my age and for certain reasons I was not comfortable with him, but what choice did I have.  I told him about my spinal headache from the last time and he said he didn't think that was it and he told me he was going to give it to me anyway and I would be just fine.  I only had hope.  We walked to the OR and in someways it was nice because it was relaxed enough for the Dr. to be prepping in the same little room as Mike and Mike was able to watch some of what was happening to me before they closed the door.  They started and brought Mike in and things were going okay.  I was very hot and they had so many blankets on me.  As they began tugging, Mike started to feel bad. I am laying with my arms strapped down looking up and over at him as he is about to pass out! :)   He was told to put his head between his knees to not pass out.  It was pretty intense.  I have never had someone yank and tug my body around so violently before and just couldn't stop thinking how unnatural this was.  As soon as Ezekiel was taken out of me I got a horrible headache, which had some to do with my blood pressure(what they said).  But was drugged so heavily that it didn't hurt for that long. One of my favorite sounds on earth is hearing them cry for the first time, I was thankful for the blankets on me, as Mommy's know what happens when babies cry.  I got to see him and then on to the nursery.   Mike followed the baby, just as we always want, since I can't keep them.  The doctors were finishing up and I was cleaned up.  During all this time I am alone, on a day that my life is changed... and the anesthesiologist and other assistants chat away about someone flirting with someone...
I finally get out of there and into the recovery room and they bring me Ezekiel pretty quickly!  We were able to be together within the first hour.  Mom and Dad bring the boys while Ezekiel is learning to eat and they fall in love with him! Mike ate breakfast on the floor in the corner :)  They took us to our room and things went perfectly except for the spinal headache.  I needed more pain meds for the headache than the incision!  They also had me use ice packs on my head and neck while I was to lay flat, but had to sit up to nurse, because the baby couldn't be in the bed with me.... crazy....  It was at this time that I was feeling damaged by everything having to do with a Cesarean.  I felt more like a number who came and went and it was just a daily thing to them...
My brother and sister in law, Wade and Megan, came from across the state, as well as other friends. It was quite a crowd in that little room, but we were so happy to celebrate this little one!  My parents stayed a few days to help us settle in to life with 3 boys :)
Coming home we fell into family life with a wonderful new blessing and I tried to focus on the fact that we were both perfectly healthy and I would heal in Him.

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