Long and a bit graphic....I would imagine ~girls only :)
You Were Warned!
We were in love with our sweet baby boy and every second of our family and ministry. Josiah was about 10 months old when we started hoping for another baby. We believed all the people who said that I shouldn't be very sick this time because the first on is usually the worst. I hoped and begged that was true. We were so excited for that pink line! Told everyone and waited for the 6 week mark. It came and it was devastating for us. Now I had a little one to care for along with being horribly sick. My dr. was once again incredible and even sent meds out to Teen Missions for Mike to bring home for me. Began losing weight and strength quickly. And began working in ministry again because my maternity leave was over. I got through... still loosing weight. Wade, my brother, actually moved in with us to take care of Josiah and I and keep the household stuff going. At 10 weeks along I was at Teen Missions one morning and I stood up to do something and knew... something was wrong. Went straight to Mike and he took me straight to the dr. Waiting was the worst part... not knowing. Finally got into the ultrasound and saw a perfectly happy alive baby.... along with a mass of blood same size of the baby right next to him, it is called a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. I was put on bedrest indefinitely. Wade was there to take care of us... helping me with my sickness, taking care of Josiah, meals for us and Mike, laundry... just everything. On the weekend of the 4th of July Wade took a break and Mandi, Mike's sister was flown in to take care of us for about a week. I was 14 weeks into my pregnancy. During that time I started passing large blood clots and was so dehydrated that I had to go to the ER, they discovered that I was so dehydrated that I needed to be admitted overnight to replenish my fluid levels. The three nights leading up to this day I had been having strong back pain that I had to walk and rock to feel better... but I didn't give that much thought for some reason and didn't mention anything about it to anyone at the hospital. Mike went home to sleep and work the next day at Teen Missions, we just thought he would come pick me up at lunch time. Well, I don't remember going to sleep that night at all... I began having cramps and back pain. I told the nurse about it and she said she would call the dr. but didn't think he would appreciate being woken up at 1am esp. since I couldn't have anything for the pain. She came back and sure enough, he didn't appreciate being woken up and said that I couldn't have anything for the pain. I said okay, she left and it really started.... they began coming in waves. I walked and walked. It hurt so bad that I thought I was dying. I went from walking to rocking myself then for most of the night literally thrashing side to side crying out for Jesus to help me... I just could not be still... and I discovered that those rooms are very sound proof. When the nurse came in 5 maybe 6am she was shocked at how much pain I was in... she asked how long I had been in that amount of pain. I told her it was just a little while after I told her I was having cramps but didn't want to bother them again, because of what they said before. Then around 7am the dr. came in and I could see in his eyes that this was not going to be fine and he was troubled. I can't remember everything that happened but they began helping me.... gave me pain meds, that they had said would hurt the baby. I called Mike at Teen Missions and told the receptionist to tell him to come now.... he was way back in the property and did not come now... I guess the urgency wasn't relayed to him. When he finally did get there I told him about the night but that we didn't know anything about the baby yet. A little while later they brought in the ultrasound machine and we got to see the baby... again perfectly alive and active. So all day we waited, I slept, Mike rubbed my back when the pain came, people visited.... and during this day our baby died. We didn't find out until that night. They brought the ultrasound machine in again and there was a still heart..... my heart still skips a beat when I think of seeing that image. We spent the night mourning. They began preparing me for the morning, when I would deliver my baby. I don't remember the time, maybe between 8 and 10am the nurses came and told me we would check and see if things are ready. They got me set up in the stirrups and was checked... I remember the nurse whensing and look away. My dr. turned the baby to begin removing him and I felt his body so clearly. I lost everything I had been mostly holding in. Mike was on the otherside of the room with his head buried. My baby was removed and taken out of the room as I was being cleaned up. I had to ask! to see my baby... this always makes me furious. It took them a minute to bring him, they cleaned him and wrapped him up, then held him in front of me... did not hand him to me so I had to take him out of their hands! I held my 14 week old baby in my hands.... he looked like Josiah, same chin and nose. He was beautiful. I unwrapped him and saw through his transparent skin, toes and fingers. And I believed he was a little girl. The development of what I thought was my 14 week baby would have been a girl. His arm had been torn from being removed. I held his tiny hand on my fingertip. My 14 week baby was 3 inches head to rump, 5 inches head to heal. Precious, loved, wanted and missed. A little life changed my life in just 14 weeks. So many things hinged on this little life and now that was all taken. I asked for his body to cremate after pathology had completed their examination, but the nurse said it wasn't possible.... still don't know why on the earth I would listen to the nurse.... so as far as I know, my baby was burned in a pile of....I don't want to imagine....
As I was being discharged they gave me a memory box and sent up an old man with a wheel chair for me.... as I walked toward him.... with my box.... he moved away from me. Because I didn't have a baby in my arms.... on the maternity floor. He moved away because I could not be the mother being discharged because I didn't have a baby in my arms.... I only held a box. I quietly explained to him that I was being discharged and needed the wheelchair. So as he chit chatted I quietly wept over the pain and the looks.
Mike took me to the beach and we sat quietly for what seemed like forever. The only place I could feel clearly..... HE is the air I breathe, HE is the solid ground under my feet, HE is the water I thirst for. I never wanted to leave.
We had to go because I got hungry for the first time in weeks. We had dinner together in silence then went home. So good to be home with my Josiah. Mandi had been with him without a car for 3 days! Except coming up to the hospital to see us once. It was so good to be home. Mandi, Wade and Mom were there. Mom was there..... I can't think of a time I have needed her more.... I could cry and be me. We named this baby who we thought was a girl, Judah. Judah means praise.... no other name could fit.... praise. I will praise..... When the Israelites went to war the tribe of Judah went first.... they went in praise. Our Judah went first and also in praise. For we are CREATED to praise. As I slowly put all of this together I felt such peace. Even though my plans were again taken away from me, His plans were fulfilled, because my Judah was created to praise.
We held a memorial service for our baby. I was expecting it to be small. I was so honored that so many people would come and support us, I felt that so many would not see it as important because of being only 14 weeks. I was completely surprised to see my dr. there also!
I spent two weeks to recover, gain weight(as I had lost 30 lbs again) and strength. Wade went home for good and I went back to work. Healing was beginning. At my postpartum dr. visit I requested Judah's pathology report. At home we read and discovered that our baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks and was a boy. Boy was that embarrassing to find out after I had told everyone he was a girl! I'm sure he laughed at me in heaven... and especially now :)
I began seeing other dr's to try to find if there was a solution to my problems but no answers could be given.
But we trusted and we hoped and we rested in His love.